Birthdays and hurt...

I don't have a lot to say right now or a lot of time. But as I was thinking earlier today about what to buy my mom and sister for their birthdays I was struck by how hard our birthdays are going to be both this year and every year.

Within a month my mom me and my other sister all have birthdays...the usual birthday thing with us is a birthday breakfast. Even since I've married and moved out my mom has tried to keep the tradition with either Josh doing it and them coming over or me just going there. But birthdays are always with family. So with Hannah's death so recent and all three of us having our birthdays I just have to wonder how it will be.

This was Hannah's 20th Birthday this past April:


I'm sure there will be moments that we're having fun laughing and then the laughter will turn to tears without any warning just cause we'll realize Hannah's not there. She was so much fun. Always making everyone crack up laughing.



Then with gifts....I saw this glass heart that you can have a picture etched in and I wanted it to get it for myself to hang on my rear view mirror in my car. Then I was like 'good idea, I'll get one for my mom' then josh said to get one for Sarah too. At first I thought it was a good idea, I mean I know they would want one, but will it just bring more sadness to their birthdays if I give them something in memory of Hannah? Should I just make it a non-birthday gift and find something else for their birthdays?

I'll tell you one thing Army Wives is like therapy for me right now. Anyone watching this show will know. Sometimes I just want to cry out my pain and every time I watch it it hits right on some of my feelings with Hannah and I have a good cry.

She always was sure of herself and how cute she looked, especially when she was going out:


~ Nicole

I love you Hannah

~ Nicole

It's to late to apologize

The other night I got home from work pretty late but by time I got in bed I was still to wound from the day to sleep so I turned the TV on and watched one of my recorded shows, Army Wives.

I don't know if anyone watched it last year or this year but last season there was a suicide bomber and he ended up killing the daughter of one of the women on the show. Well in the episode I watched the other night the sister of the suicide bomber went to the family of the girl to ask forgiveness.

While I was watching this show I was struck by something that never occurred to me before. Not once in the month or so since my sisters death has the man that killed her or any of his friends or family reached out to mine to say sorry. Do I think his family or friends should be held accountable? No but do I think in this type of situation they should offer up some type of condolence? Most definitely.

This man or should I say coward got behind the wheel of his car drunk off his ass, speed hit my sister, killed her and then fled the scene of the accident and after all of that he has said nothing! And you look on his myspace page and you see all these people telling him how much they love him, are there for him and support him, yet not one of them has reached out to my family. None of them have encouraged him to own up to what he's done. NOTHING.

I actually read a blog one of his friends posted on her myspace page and she had the nerve to talk about how horrible he must feel and what he's going through. If he felt so horrible why hasn't he said anything? And then she had the nerve to say that he should remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. WTF?! Is she saying that that asshole was preordained to hit and kill Hannah? OMG that girl better pray I never see her on the street cause it just might be preordained for me to kick her ass.

After what he did I don't know why it would shock me that he wouldn't apologize and even if he did? Well lets just say it's to late for that now anyway.

~ Nicole

One Month Two Days

Yesterday, well I guess two days ago since it's after midnight now, marked a month that my sister has been gone. A month without seeing her smile, waking her up to hang with me, a month without silly text messages and secrets shared. A long month in which my heart hurts just as much and maybe more.

I don't know if the saying time heals all things is true but if so it's gonna take a whole lot more time. Yet life seems to go on. After two weeks I returned to work and while I can do my job I feel guilty doing it. I mean I'm a manager at Bath and Body Works, how can I coach people daily on selling lotions and adding on bath sponges while my heart is bleeding and my sister isn't here?



How can I allow my life to be so busy with...life, that I haven't had a chance to go to her grave? And only twice have I gone to her memorial? It eats me up inside. I just want so much more time. I work my 40 hours then I want to make sure I don't neglect my husband and kids but after that how do I have time for just me to be with Hannah? I need time for me and her. I need to sit at her grave and miss her and tell her that. I need to be alone to cry and grieve. But I just don't have it.

I miss her so much. I want to hear her laugh again....my brother woke the other night from having a dream of Hannah. I wish I could, I wish I could dream of her so then I could talk to her, I could hug her and hear her and touch her. Even if only in a dream I could have her with me.



I love you Hannah, every day of my life every breath that I take I love you! I will never forget you. Please come visit me soon, come hug me in my dreams come talk and laugh with me just one more time.

~ Nicole