Birthdays and hurt...

I don't have a lot to say right now or a lot of time. But as I was thinking earlier today about what to buy my mom and sister for their birthdays I was struck by how hard our birthdays are going to be both this year and every year.

Within a month my mom me and my other sister all have birthdays...the usual birthday thing with us is a birthday breakfast. Even since I've married and moved out my mom has tried to keep the tradition with either Josh doing it and them coming over or me just going there. But birthdays are always with family. So with Hannah's death so recent and all three of us having our birthdays I just have to wonder how it will be.

This was Hannah's 20th Birthday this past April:


I'm sure there will be moments that we're having fun laughing and then the laughter will turn to tears without any warning just cause we'll realize Hannah's not there. She was so much fun. Always making everyone crack up laughing.



Then with gifts....I saw this glass heart that you can have a picture etched in and I wanted it to get it for myself to hang on my rear view mirror in my car. Then I was like 'good idea, I'll get one for my mom' then josh said to get one for Sarah too. At first I thought it was a good idea, I mean I know they would want one, but will it just bring more sadness to their birthdays if I give them something in memory of Hannah? Should I just make it a non-birthday gift and find something else for their birthdays?

I'll tell you one thing Army Wives is like therapy for me right now. Anyone watching this show will know. Sometimes I just want to cry out my pain and every time I watch it it hits right on some of my feelings with Hannah and I have a good cry.

She always was sure of herself and how cute she looked, especially when she was going out:


~ Nicole

I love you Hannah

~ Nicole

One Month Two Days

Yesterday, well I guess two days ago since it's after midnight now, marked a month that my sister has been gone. A month without seeing her smile, waking her up to hang with me, a month without silly text messages and secrets shared. A long month in which my heart hurts just as much and maybe more.

I don't know if the saying time heals all things is true but if so it's gonna take a whole lot more time. Yet life seems to go on. After two weeks I returned to work and while I can do my job I feel guilty doing it. I mean I'm a manager at Bath and Body Works, how can I coach people daily on selling lotions and adding on bath sponges while my heart is bleeding and my sister isn't here?



How can I allow my life to be so busy with...life, that I haven't had a chance to go to her grave? And only twice have I gone to her memorial? It eats me up inside. I just want so much more time. I work my 40 hours then I want to make sure I don't neglect my husband and kids but after that how do I have time for just me to be with Hannah? I need time for me and her. I need to sit at her grave and miss her and tell her that. I need to be alone to cry and grieve. But I just don't have it.

I miss her so much. I want to hear her laugh again....my brother woke the other night from having a dream of Hannah. I wish I could, I wish I could dream of her so then I could talk to her, I could hug her and hear her and touch her. Even if only in a dream I could have her with me.



I love you Hannah, every day of my life every breath that I take I love you! I will never forget you. Please come visit me soon, come hug me in my dreams come talk and laugh with me just one more time.

~ Nicole

Anger

I'm a Christian and I seem to be finding that they are the ones at this time of my life that are offending the most. Just because we believe in Heaven and that it is this great place...so much better than earth does NOT mean I am happy my sister is there instead of here. She is 20 she shouldn't be there yet.

Don't tell me that God loved Hannah so much he decided to make her an angle cause he wanted her. REALLY? You really think that? So many people both young and old die all the time and your telling me that God decided he just had to have Hannah! He just decided that it didn't matter that she was my parents baby, that she had two nieces and a nephew, that she didn't get to live her life yet. He just needed her that much? REALLY? I just don't think so...

And I don't draw comfort from it either.



Two most horrible things to say to me right now....

1) She's in a better place
2) How are you?

Seriously...how am I? If you thought about that for two seconds before it left your mouth you would know I am horrible...So why are you asking? Especially the people that don't really even know me...or Hannah. I hate that. So many people are coming up to me and acting like they care so much. And I just feel so angry right now. At them, at everything!

None of this is fair and I know life's not fair but this really is beyond what I think I can bear. I don't know how to live happily....

Sorry I know this is all a ramble but this is my only vent.



~ Nicole

I Can't Say Good-Bye

I'm a big sister...the way life goes you parents go first then it should kind of go down in age. So there is no reason that makes any type of sense that my baby sister that just turned 20 is not here any more.

I just don't get it. I don't doubt there's a God, I know there is but this 'everything has a reason'? I don't know about that, tell me the reason my sister got run over by a drunk driver while walking to her car? WHY, Fucking tell me WHY? Where's the reason? Where's the grand plan in that?

She was so beautiful! So full of life. She loved everyone and everyone loved her. She was so funny, she made you crack up all the time. She had the most beautiful eyes and the longest lashes. We used to have the same red color hair but as I got older and had kids mine changed and got darker, more brown. I would always say it's not fair and I wanted her hair, so long, wavy and beautiful. But now....THIS is what's not fair.

I know she's in heaven and that's a better place and she's fine now but the fact is she shouldn't be there yet! She was only 20! She had a life she wanted to live, she was my baby sister, my parents are dying over this, she had two nieces and a nephew. She didn't' even have a chance to get married and have her own babies yet!

OMG I hate this! This fucking sucks! I hate the asshole that did this! He speeds, while drunk hits my sister, my Hannah, and then FLEES! He left! Thank God for the security guard that was there and followed him till the cops got there. I want this man to know what he did. I want him to see my sisters picture to know what he took away, then I want him to sit in a jail cell and think of that every day of his life.

I don't know how my family will ever get past this! How do you? OMG I'm dying inside! Look at her! Look how beautiful and special she was!



She just went to Florida for my cousins Sweet 16 and had so much fun. Then she was in Myrtle Beach with one of her best friends during bike week being crazy. She rode on the back of bikes, went skinny dipping in the ocean. She was young and having the time of her life. In august she was going to go on her first cruise with a bunch of friends. Now she's gone. Now I'll never be able to call her and talk about my stupid issues, now I'll never be able to guilt her into being my last minute baby sitter. We can't get out eyebrows done together and go shopping at Forever 21 together, one of her favorite stores.

We were just there on Wenesday. I woke her up around 12, she always sleeps late cause she works at night in a hotel. She got ready the whole time me rushing her and her telling me to leave if I was annoyed. The whole time neither of us really cared cause we never fought. We went to McDonald's for Ice Coffees and they were so watered down, she also got a honeymustard, grilled chicken snack wrap. Then we went to the mall, we went to Bath and Body works and she got Fresh Pineapple shampoo and conditioner. Then we got good coffees from Starbucks, her iced me hot. Then we stopped at CR and Forever 21. She found a purse she loved and treated herself. I got crazy big red sunglasses that she liked. Then I dropped her off at home. She came back later to babysit my kids while Josh and I went to a meeting and when we got back she was waiting outside to leave cause we were late and she was meeting friends to go to a movie. But she came back that night and burned two CDs for me. We hung out till around midnight......and the last time I saw her was when she said "Oh snap" and ran to her car cause it had started to rain and she left her windows down.

I know she knows I love her but I didn't' tell her that last time. I didn't' hug her that last time!



How do I live my life without her? How do I go on? It's just not the same, it never will be.

My other sister is distraught. She was there! She didn't' see it, but they were both out together. They were with friends celebrating a birthday. Hannah left early to meet some other friends, she wasn't really drinking or anything cause she had to go to work at 6 am. She was so happy. She had her new yellow high strappy sandals on, her shorts and her new purse she got while out with me. She didn't even tell Sarah she was leaving so she didn't' get to say bye.

How do I stop picturing it? How do I get the image of my sister dressed all cute so happy running to her car then a truck smashing into her.....did she see it? Was she scared? Was it instant like the medics say it probably was or was she laying there in the street in pain all alone till the medics got there? OMG my baby!

All I can see is that all I can hear is my mom when I walked into the house wailing and saying "Hannah's gone, OMG Hannah's gone!".

My first 12 hour shift...and other tid bits

Well yesterday I worked from 3pm to 3am. LOL, no they are not killing me I am still happy with my new job. Two times a year they change all the walls in the store, everything gets gutted cleaned and rearranged, and that was last night. That always takes that long but like I say twice a year so not bad. I still have one more week of training then I am in my store and I am excited. I worked the wall change in my store so I meet a lot of my staff then, they seem like a cool upbeat bunch so I'm all positives right now.

Well except for the fact that every time I go I GET LOST! LOL, I swear it has got to be the easiest mall to get to but I am just the WORST at directions and every time I make just that one wrong turn. But I WILL GET IT! lol.

Other news? I got a puppy! DON'T YELL AT ME! This one is already house trained and well behaved and it's small. I will love it forever I SWEAR! lol. (hiding from Holly here) But I have a problem, my sister had named the dog Co-Co which I like a lot but my neighbors dog has that name and since my dog only had the name for a few short months we want to give her a different name so there is no confusion. We are a really close neighborhood and the dogs hang out, as strange as that sounds. So it would be confusing. So I need you all to give me dog name ideas. Here's some pictures to help you out....




OH and a few weeks ago my cousin has her Sweet 16, but she did it really big (she's puerto rican so they do this big thing) and I got to look all hot for the night. It was fun, my cousin wore a beautiful red dress and everyone that came had to wear black or white. So here are me and my sisters looking hot! And yes I know my tata's were out for the night, but it was so false advertisement cause they don't really look as hot as that. lol. But it was nice to pretend, but as you can tell by the end of the night (last picture) they were on their way down, hahaha...





~ Nicole

If it's not on us who is it on?

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDON!!!! MY BABY IS 6!!!)

It's 12:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I've just watched two, no make that three episodes of a show called State of Mind, which is so funny, and I just really got the urge to blog. I seriously cannot even tell you how long it's been, well I could if I looked at my last entry but whatever you know what I mean.

Anyway, the topic that has brought me to the keyboard at 12am is being judgemental/honest/overweight/happy.

Now what does all that have to do with each other? Well here's where I'm coming from. I'm sure you've heard my story.....an average size 7 all my life, never worked out was just a normal girl that lived in the city and walked here and there doing things with her friends. Well I meet my husband, stopped walking anywhere and got into a comfortable relationship. By time I got married I was a size 9 by time I was pregnant I was a size 11.

(1999 at Josh's prom, the smallest I ever was at a size 6)

***side note***
anyone who knows anything knows that when I was a 7 it was a 7/8 and 9 it was 9/10...on and on....funny how it seems so much better by dropping that number on the end. lol.
***end side note***

Anyway two kids later I'm a size 12. Do I like myself? YES. Do I like my body? NO.

And I am sick and tired of everyone telling me that they are one and the same. No I don't agree. I love the woman I am. I am funny, smart, pretty and yeah, sexy. But I don't like my body. I don't like my thighs, I don't like my stomach, I don't like the tops of my arms (although they really aren't that bad). But it is really starting to piss me off that whenever I say I hate my body people say I have self esteem issues and I don't 'love' or 'like' myself. I don't see it like that at all.


(this is a bad picture, I don't have any makeup on or my hair done, but I wanted you to see a recent picture)

I mean I'm talking about an outward physical thing here. I know my body doesn't make who I am, but that doesn't mean you should neglect it. Right? I mean like it is more understanding to me for a man that has never seen me naked to say I'm hot and sexy. Cause yeah, I am, I dress for my body type an I am pretty. Because I know that does it make me conceited? I hope not, I don't really think so. But like I was saying it is easier for me to believe this random guy than to believe that my husband finds my BODY sexy. My husbands seen me naked.

Now people confuse this when I say it too. Yes I know my husband loves ME, and I know he finds ME sexy (as in the woman I am) but my body? I have a hard time grasping that.

Am I making any sense here or is this just a stupid midnight rant?

I mean people say I am judgemental cause I comment on peoples physical appearance. Well sorry, I work in the mall, it gets slow and there is nothing to do but people watch. And I try to make a habit of not walking around with rose colored glasses on so when I see someone that looks like they are about my age and cannot even walk properly because they are so big I comment on it.

Just today I was watching a girl that was probably younger than my 26 years walk down the stairs in the mall. First of all it took her about 5 minutes, second she had to put both feet on each step, third when she did get down she had to hold the rail and take a few big deep breaths before she could continue to walk.

No there was nothing wrong with her, she was just very overweight. And why is it wrong for me to thing this is ridiculous? I mean come on the girl had to be about 20, this is just out of control. If she's not accountable for getting that way who is?

I mean don't we control what we become? Don't we control what goes into our mouths? Weather or not we exercise? I mean for that matter, even if a little off topic, don't we control what we feed our children and what activities we put them in?

I mean we just make to many excuses for the way we are. And I don't think by saying that it means I hate myself and am a horrible person. I love myself, and I want me to be the best I can be. And I'm sorry but if I cannot sit down without feeling the need to drape my arm across my stomach I'm not the best I can be. What about instead of making excuses we make goals? You know.

Maybe if we got different mindsets and approached things differently the average size will stop jumping from 7 to 12.

Sorry midnight rant over. But not sorry for my opinions, they are mine and I am entitled to them. And just so we can clarify this one last thing up....no this post does NOT mean I hate fat people. lol.

...night.

~ Nicole

Caption this!

1.


Or this...

2.


~ Nicole

The Concert....

I loved it, but I am so tiered right now so I am going to just post pictures of our night. So....here's the night without words....

(**I am editing this just to let you all know that I know that there is some weird code looking words under and above all my pics. But a headache is setting in and I am not fixing it. So enjoy the pictures and ignore the words. Thanks!**)

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~ Nicole

Christmas 2006, part 4

Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3



Okay, okay I know it's been a long time coming. You know, this final part of my Christmas Story. So here it is ... 7:30am and I haven't even slept 5 full hours but my kids are up and yelling for me.




Normally they would just get up and come to my room but that would mean walking through the living room that the tree was in. I guess they wanted me to be there with them. So I went to their rooms and we walked out together. They were sooo excited when they saw all the presents. lol, then they ran upstairs to wake Josh up.



It was so funny cause Abby was opening gifts sooo fast so she had almost all her gifts open and Jordon was on like his third.


But they had a great time. By 11:30am we were on our way to my parents house. My mom hooked me up with a few sweaters and jeans from my favorite store NY&C, sneakers, and slippers. My sisters got me a gift card to get a pedi/mani (soooo excited about this!) a new purse and wristlet! Love my sistas. My brother didn't do gifts since he is jobless but he cooked us all a fabulous brunch. If he wasn't going to school to be some political big wig I'd say he should be a world renowned chef. The boy can cook! lol.

Anyway, of course they got Josh and the kids good stuff too. But hey we're gonna make that part about me.

After hanging with my family some more we headed over to Josh's parents house for dinner, an Eagles game and some more gifts. Fun fun. lol.

Usually my mother in law takes us out shopping and we just pick out our own gifts. This year I guess she thought she'd give it a shot on her own. All I can say is she got the gist of it right. I loved the two sweaters from NY&C she got me, can't go wrong in that store, but the rest? Well I wanted a robe, I got one, most uncomfortable material ever though. I wanted a track suit, got one in again the most horrible material. PJ's? To small, that's always embarrassing. lol. And to top it all off she got us a new bed set. Josh told me about it before Christmas and showed me what it looked like and I told him I didn't like it at all. He told her and she still gave it to us, which just made for some uncomfortable moments when I asked her for the receipt for it cause I didn't like it.

I know I sound like an ungrateful bitch here, but I'm not. Really. haha. I love my in laws. And my mother in law is great, she always over does it. But I don't know that she really does all that great on her own, picking gifts. We work better as a team. Although she was the ONLY one that remembered I collect Willow Tree Figurines. She got me the Wisdom one that is of a girl sitting down reading a book. Perfect for me.

And she did a ton of great outfits for the kids among other things.

Later that night we went to go home but had to swing by my parents house cause I forgot my phone there earlier. Well we ended up playing a card game called canasta from 9:30pm to 1:30am! lol, but it was lots of fun.

2:00am we unloaded all the gifts from our car and called it a night.

And a GREAT Christmas was had by all.




~ Nicole

Christmas 2006, part 3.

Read Part 1 and Part 2

Finally we pick up the kids from my In Laws and get to my aunts house for the party. Everyone else has been there for well over an hour, but of course the party doesn't start till I arrive. lol.

It was a fun time, I always enjoy getting together with all my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Here's a pic of me and my sisters with our girl cousins. The only one's missing are my three in Florida and the youngest (2) who is running around.

I love this picture of me and my mom. Isn't she to freaking cute and funny! I love my mom.

Okay I know this one was short, but nothing overly exciting happened. We just all hung out and had a good time with each other.

Me Josh and the kids left around 10pm and got home put the kids to bed and then I stayed up till 2:30am in the morning wrapping gifts. Only to be woken up by very excited kids at 7:30am. Uggg, but it was all worth it....but that's for part 4.

And since I'm super tired right now, that will have to wait till tomorrow.

~ Nicole

Christmas 2006, part 2.

Read Part 1

It's Christmas Eve and I have to be to work by 11am, and I only work till 5pm. Which normally I'd be overjoyed since I've never had that great of hours on Christmas Eve before. BUT....there was one last gift I needed to get my daughter so I needed to run to two Targets (in case the first didn't have it) and they closed at 6pm. Cutting it close.

But I was determined to have a great day. I wasn't going to let anyone bring my mood down. And it worked. Shoot, I need to try this positive thinking thing more often, lol.

Let me tell you one of the funniest things that happened right before I left though. It is 5:35 and I'm hoping to sneak out a little early when this Chinese guy walks in. So I greet him and see if he needs help (I don't think he understood a word I said but that's neither here nor there, lol). Well not even 3 min. later this black guy walks in (normally I don't state color and all but it plays into the story) his first question is what's our return policy? Well I can tell this is going to be promising, so I tell him. I am now trying to stay with my customer will answering this other guys questions cause for some reason I am all alone up front in the store. A few minutes later the woman I don't like comes up and I ask her to take the black guy so I can finish with my customer.

Not even 5 min. later I hear this being YELLED in our store among all the customers "Somebody get over here! I want someone else to help me. Get this woman away from me, I don't want her help. I don't want her anywhere near me."

LMAO! Yup, the woman I don't like was doing what she always does. She was judging because of color and appearance and wasn't' letting the guy hold the merchandise he was looking at. And he made a scene! I ended up helping him and all was fine. He pulled out a wad of cash so large and then the other woman was wishing she hadn't treated him the way she did.

Karma's a Bitch! She's also the one that jipped me in the polyanna. lol.

It is now 5:15pm and I am leaving, so much for getting out early. I dash over to Target and they have one pair of boots left in Abby's size....with no box and scratches on the front! Decisions decisions....I grab the boots figuring I can exchange them after Christmas but at least she can have them to open.

As luck would have it though I got to the second Target at 5:50pm and decide to check and see if I would have any better luck...they had them! Yeay! I was so excited.

I dashed home grabbed Josh and some presents and was off to my family party....

~ Nicole

Christmas 2006, part 1

The Christmas post.....lol. Well you plan and shop and cook for it and it's all over now. How was your Christmas everyone??? Mine? FUN! No fighting, or none that I remember so it couldn't have been that bad. lol...

Christmas Eve Eve (Saturday) I got my first Christmas present. Me Josh and my BIL went out together to finish up our shopping. After we were done my BIL took us out for drinks and said it was his gift to us. So we ate drank and were merry. lol.

We went to this place called Cheeseburger in Paradise. I had never been there before, anyone ever heard of it? Well it was sooooo nice. It reminded me of Margaritaville in Vegas. And that's exactly what I had. Some of the best freaking margaritas EVER! It was a layered drink with all different flavors and it was sooo yummy!

After we had some drinks and food we decided to go to the mall and shop some more. Now mind you I thought the mall closed at 11pm, but my BIL told me it was open till midnight. So we were on our way (it took all the drinks for me to get the guys to the mall). The mall is not far from where we were, maybe1/4 of a mile, not even I'm sure.

So when we were walking to the car I said that we should walk. Of course the guys looked at me like I was nuts so I said fine I'd walk alone. It is now 10:45pm. What? It was a nice night and I was hot. They obviously didn't think I'd do it and went to the car. I did do it. lol. I half ran and half walked and by the time they wasted driving next to me and trying to get me in the car and messing around, and parking I caught up to them before the mall entrance.

We get in the mall and it's now, 10:53pm and we find out it does in fact close at 11pm. But what the hell we're all a little extra happy from our drinks so we go off to our stores to be the annoying customers that walk in right before you pull the gate down. Yes I know I hate these customers. lol. 10 minutes later we are walking out with Jordon's sneakers, and my BIL bought a build a bear. lol.

Now I was going to go right through till the day after Christmas but this got kinda long so I'm just going to post it all it sections. So tune in for the rest in a bit....


~ Nicole

Just because....

....I loved my dress, hair, and veil. And wanted to share it with you.


~ Nicole

Favorite Photos...

This is my second post of the day, make sure you read my first too. I know I'm on a roll now.

These are just random pictures through the years that I love. There are others, but these are just out of the ones on my computer. Some are posing, some are candid, some we all look put together, some we look like we just woke up. Hell some we're sleeping in. Some are just plain old funny....

Josh and the kids. 2006


The day after Josh's prom. At Sea Side Beach. 1999


Josh and Abby. To cute, and funny. 2004


Jordon's first day of school. 2006


Mini Golf. OC, Maryland. 2005


Jordon in his football gear. 2006


I was the only one REALLY asleep. lol, Abby took the picture. 2005 or 06


Halloween, Jordon and Abby. 2006


My brother, Jose, with all the kids. 2006


Josh's prom, I loved that dress. 1999


Hannah, youngest sister, and Abby. 2004 or 05


Crazy windy day. My mom, sister Sarah, and the kids. 2006


Ocean City Maryland, Vacation. Me and Abby. 2005


Christmas Eve family party. Josh, Jose, and other family members. 2005


Right before my wedding at my parents house. 2000


There are a lot more but I'll cut you all a break for now.
~ Nicole