(HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDON!!!! MY BABY IS 6!!!)
It's 12:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I've just watched two, no make that three episodes of a show called State of Mind, which is so funny, and I just really got the urge to blog. I seriously cannot even tell you how long it's been, well I could if I looked at my last entry but whatever you know what I mean.
Anyway, the topic that has brought me to the keyboard at 12am is being judgemental/honest/overweight/happy.
Now what does all that have to do with each other? Well here's where I'm coming from. I'm sure you've heard my story.....an average size 7 all my life, never worked out was just a normal girl that lived in the city and walked here and there doing things with her friends. Well I meet my husband, stopped walking anywhere and got into a comfortable relationship. By time I got married I was a size 9 by time I was pregnant I was a size 11.
(1999 at Josh's prom, the smallest I ever was at a size 6)
***side note***
anyone who knows anything knows that when I was a 7 it was a 7/8 and 9 it was 9/10...on and on....funny how it seems so much better by dropping that number on the end. lol.
***end side note***
Anyway two kids later I'm a size 12. Do I like myself? YES. Do I like my body? NO.
And I am sick and tired of everyone telling me that they are one and the same. No I don't agree. I love the woman I am. I am funny, smart, pretty and yeah, sexy. But I don't like my body. I don't like my thighs, I don't like my stomach, I don't like the tops of my arms (although they really aren't that bad). But it is really starting to piss me off that whenever I say I hate my body people say I have self esteem issues and I don't 'love' or 'like' myself. I don't see it like that at all.
(this is a bad picture, I don't have any makeup on or my hair done, but I wanted you to see a recent picture)
I mean I'm talking about an outward physical thing here. I know my body doesn't make who I am, but that doesn't mean you should neglect it. Right? I mean like it is more understanding to me for a man that has never seen me naked to say I'm hot and sexy. Cause yeah, I am, I dress for my body type an I am pretty. Because I know that does it make me conceited? I hope not, I don't really think so. But like I was saying it is easier for me to believe this random guy than to believe that my husband finds my BODY sexy. My husbands seen me naked.
Now people confuse this when I say it too. Yes I know my husband loves ME, and I know he finds ME sexy (as in the woman I am) but my body? I have a hard time grasping that.
Am I making any sense here or is this just a stupid midnight rant?
I mean people say I am judgemental cause I comment on peoples physical appearance. Well sorry, I work in the mall, it gets slow and there is nothing to do but people watch. And I try to make a habit of not walking around with rose colored glasses on so when I see someone that looks like they are about my age and cannot even walk properly because they are so big I comment on it.
Just today I was watching a girl that was probably younger than my 26 years walk down the stairs in the mall. First of all it took her about 5 minutes, second she had to put both feet on each step, third when she did get down she had to hold the rail and take a few big deep breaths before she could continue to walk.
No there was nothing wrong with her, she was just very overweight. And why is it wrong for me to thing this is ridiculous? I mean come on the girl had to be about 20, this is just out of control. If she's not accountable for getting that way who is?
I mean don't we control what we become? Don't we control what goes into our mouths? Weather or not we exercise? I mean for that matter, even if a little off topic, don't we control what we feed our children and what activities we put them in?
I mean we just make to many excuses for the way we are. And I don't think by saying that it means I hate myself and am a horrible person. I love myself, and I want me to be the best I can be. And I'm sorry but if I cannot sit down without feeling the need to drape my arm across my stomach I'm not the best I can be. What about instead of making excuses we make goals? You know.
Maybe if we got different mindsets and approached things differently the average size will stop jumping from 7 to 12.
Sorry midnight rant over. But not sorry for my opinions, they are mine and I am entitled to them. And just so we can clarify this one last thing up....no this post does NOT mean I hate fat people. lol.
...night.
~ Nicole
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