Monday, September 8, 2008

Kisses from Hannah

Moments that will stay with me forever...

Saturday we were out food shopping and when we were getting in the car the downpour started again from Tropical Storm Hannah. So I said to my kids that since this was called Tropical Storm Hannah that it meant that all the rain drops were kissed from Hannah...Jordon's face lit up and he looked up and spun around saying "WOW! Then I'm gonna get them all!" And we just stood out in the rain.

~ Nicole

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Birthdays and hurt...

I don't have a lot to say right now or a lot of time. But as I was thinking earlier today about what to buy my mom and sister for their birthdays I was struck by how hard our birthdays are going to be both this year and every year.

Within a month my mom me and my other sister all have birthdays...the usual birthday thing with us is a birthday breakfast. Even since I've married and moved out my mom has tried to keep the tradition with either Josh doing it and them coming over or me just going there. But birthdays are always with family. So with Hannah's death so recent and all three of us having our birthdays I just have to wonder how it will be.

This was Hannah's 20th Birthday this past April:

I'm sure there will be moments that we're having fun laughing and then the laughter will turn to tears without any warning just cause we'll realize Hannah's not there. She was so much fun. Always making everyone crack up laughing.

Then with gifts....I saw this glass heart that you can have a picture etched in and I wanted it to get it for myself to hang on my rear view mirror in my car. Then I was like 'good idea, I'll get one for my mom' then josh said to get one for Sarah too. At first I thought it was a good idea, I mean I know they would want one, but will it just bring more sadness to their birthdays if I give them something in memory of Hannah? Should I just make it a non-birthday gift and find something else for their birthdays?

I'll tell you one thing Army Wives is like therapy for me right now. Anyone watching this show will know. Sometimes I just want to cry out my pain and every time I watch it it hits right on some of my feelings with Hannah and I have a good cry.

She always was sure of herself and how cute she looked, especially when she was going out:

~ Nicole

Monday, July 14, 2008

I love you Hannah

~ Nicole

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

It's to late to apologize

The other night I got home from work pretty late but by time I got in bed I was still to wound from the day to sleep so I turned the TV on and watched one of my recorded shows, Army Wives.

I don't know if anyone watched it last year or this year but last season there was a suicide bomber and he ended up killing the daughter of one of the women on the show. Well in the episode I watched the other night the sister of the suicide bomber went to the family of the girl to ask forgiveness.

While I was watching this show I was struck by something that never occurred to me before. Not once in the month or so since my sisters death has the man that killed her or any of his friends or family reached out to mine to say sorry. Do I think his family or friends should be held accountable? No but do I think in this type of situation they should offer up some type of condolence? Most definitely.

This man or should I say coward got behind the wheel of his car drunk off his ass, speed hit my sister, killed her and then fled the scene of the accident and after all of that he has said nothing! And you look on his myspace page and you see all these people telling him how much they love him, are there for him and support him, yet not one of them has reached out to my family. None of them have encouraged him to own up to what he's done. NOTHING.

I actually read a blog one of his friends posted on her myspace page and she had the nerve to talk about how horrible he must feel and what he's going through. If he felt so horrible why hasn't he said anything? And then she had the nerve to say that he should remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. WTF?! Is she saying that that asshole was preordained to hit and kill Hannah? OMG that girl better pray I never see her on the street cause it just might be preordained for me to kick her ass.

After what he did I don't know why it would shock me that he wouldn't apologize and even if he did? Well lets just say it's to late for that now anyway.

~ Nicole

One Month Two Days

Yesterday, well I guess two days ago since it's after midnight now, marked a month that my sister has been gone. A month without seeing her smile, waking her up to hang with me, a month without silly text messages and secrets shared. A long month in which my heart hurts just as much and maybe more.

I don't know if the saying time heals all things is true but if so it's gonna take a whole lot more time. Yet life seems to go on. After two weeks I returned to work and while I can do my job I feel guilty doing it. I mean I'm a manager at Bath and Body Works, how can I coach people daily on selling lotions and adding on bath sponges while my heart is bleeding and my sister isn't here?

How can I allow my life to be so busy, that I haven't had a chance to go to her grave? And only twice have I gone to her memorial? It eats me up inside. I just want so much more time. I work my 40 hours then I want to make sure I don't neglect my husband and kids but after that how do I have time for just me to be with Hannah? I need time for me and her. I need to sit at her grave and miss her and tell her that. I need to be alone to cry and grieve. But I just don't have it.

I miss her so much. I want to hear her laugh brother woke the other night from having a dream of Hannah. I wish I could, I wish I could dream of her so then I could talk to her, I could hug her and hear her and touch her. Even if only in a dream I could have her with me.

I love you Hannah, every day of my life every breath that I take I love you! I will never forget you. Please come visit me soon, come hug me in my dreams come talk and laugh with me just one more time.

~ Nicole

Saturday, June 28, 2008


I really need my blog now to let loose on how I am feeling....problem? It's been so long I forget how to mess with my template. I tried to change it but as you can see it's all messed up. I know you can't even post me a comment now. So if anyone can help me and tell me what the heck to do email me at thanks so much!

~ Nicole

Friday, June 27, 2008


I'm a Christian and I seem to be finding that they are the ones at this time of my life that are offending the most. Just because we believe in Heaven and that it is this great much better than earth does NOT mean I am happy my sister is there instead of here. She is 20 she shouldn't be there yet.

Don't tell me that God loved Hannah so much he decided to make her an angle cause he wanted her. REALLY? You really think that? So many people both young and old die all the time and your telling me that God decided he just had to have Hannah! He just decided that it didn't matter that she was my parents baby, that she had two nieces and a nephew, that she didn't get to live her life yet. He just needed her that much? REALLY? I just don't think so...

And I don't draw comfort from it either.

Two most horrible things to say to me right now....

1) She's in a better place
2) How are you? am I? If you thought about that for two seconds before it left your mouth you would know I am horrible...So why are you asking? Especially the people that don't really even know me...or Hannah. I hate that. So many people are coming up to me and acting like they care so much. And I just feel so angry right now. At them, at everything!

None of this is fair and I know life's not fair but this really is beyond what I think I can bear. I don't know how to live happily....

Sorry I know this is all a ramble but this is my only vent.

~ Nicole

Monday, June 23, 2008

~ Nicole

Sunday, June 8, 2008

I Can't Say Good-Bye

I'm a big sister...the way life goes you parents go first then it should kind of go down in age. So there is no reason that makes any type of sense that my baby sister that just turned 20 is not here any more.

I just don't get it. I don't doubt there's a God, I know there is but this 'everything has a reason'? I don't know about that, tell me the reason my sister got run over by a drunk driver while walking to her car? WHY, Fucking tell me WHY? Where's the reason? Where's the grand plan in that?

She was so beautiful! So full of life. She loved everyone and everyone loved her. She was so funny, she made you crack up all the time. She had the most beautiful eyes and the longest lashes. We used to have the same red color hair but as I got older and had kids mine changed and got darker, more brown. I would always say it's not fair and I wanted her hair, so long, wavy and beautiful. But now....THIS is what's not fair.

I know she's in heaven and that's a better place and she's fine now but the fact is she shouldn't be there yet! She was only 20! She had a life she wanted to live, she was my baby sister, my parents are dying over this, she had two nieces and a nephew. She didn't' even have a chance to get married and have her own babies yet!

OMG I hate this! This fucking sucks! I hate the asshole that did this! He speeds, while drunk hits my sister, my Hannah, and then FLEES! He left! Thank God for the security guard that was there and followed him till the cops got there. I want this man to know what he did. I want him to see my sisters picture to know what he took away, then I want him to sit in a jail cell and think of that every day of his life.

I don't know how my family will ever get past this! How do you? OMG I'm dying inside! Look at her! Look how beautiful and special she was!

She just went to Florida for my cousins Sweet 16 and had so much fun. Then she was in Myrtle Beach with one of her best friends during bike week being crazy. She rode on the back of bikes, went skinny dipping in the ocean. She was young and having the time of her life. In august she was going to go on her first cruise with a bunch of friends. Now she's gone. Now I'll never be able to call her and talk about my stupid issues, now I'll never be able to guilt her into being my last minute baby sitter. We can't get out eyebrows done together and go shopping at Forever 21 together, one of her favorite stores.

We were just there on Wenesday. I woke her up around 12, she always sleeps late cause she works at night in a hotel. She got ready the whole time me rushing her and her telling me to leave if I was annoyed. The whole time neither of us really cared cause we never fought. We went to McDonald's for Ice Coffees and they were so watered down, she also got a honeymustard, grilled chicken snack wrap. Then we went to the mall, we went to Bath and Body works and she got Fresh Pineapple shampoo and conditioner. Then we got good coffees from Starbucks, her iced me hot. Then we stopped at CR and Forever 21. She found a purse she loved and treated herself. I got crazy big red sunglasses that she liked. Then I dropped her off at home. She came back later to babysit my kids while Josh and I went to a meeting and when we got back she was waiting outside to leave cause we were late and she was meeting friends to go to a movie. But she came back that night and burned two CDs for me. We hung out till around midnight......and the last time I saw her was when she said "Oh snap" and ran to her car cause it had started to rain and she left her windows down.

I know she knows I love her but I didn't' tell her that last time. I didn't' hug her that last time!

How do I live my life without her? How do I go on? It's just not the same, it never will be.

My other sister is distraught. She was there! She didn't' see it, but they were both out together. They were with friends celebrating a birthday. Hannah left early to meet some other friends, she wasn't really drinking or anything cause she had to go to work at 6 am. She was so happy. She had her new yellow high strappy sandals on, her shorts and her new purse she got while out with me. She didn't even tell Sarah she was leaving so she didn't' get to say bye.

How do I stop picturing it? How do I get the image of my sister dressed all cute so happy running to her car then a truck smashing into her.....did she see it? Was she scared? Was it instant like the medics say it probably was or was she laying there in the street in pain all alone till the medics got there? OMG my baby!

All I can see is that all I can hear is my mom when I walked into the house wailing and saying "Hannah's gone, OMG Hannah's gone!".

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Miss me yet!

Just admit you do cause I know it's true. lol. So what have all of you been up to? I have been soooooo busy! I don't remember if I told you all that my husband was going to India on business for THREE WEEKS! But he did, he will be home on Sunday. So as I'm sure you can all figure out I've been super busy with doing all the parenting, working, school stuff and everything else on my own. I just can't handle any more of this! Thank God he comes home on Sunday. They almost wanted to have him stay another few weeks, and with me in retail and the holidays basically here in my store I was about to have a heart attack. lol.

Speaking of which am I the only person who thinks it a bit crazy that people are Christmas shopping already! I mean I work at Bath & Body Works and we have our Christmas displays up and music playing. It's freaking crazy! lol. I have people coming in with Christmas lists and checking things off already. Hot damn, I haven't even started to think about what I want yet....okay okay so I'm lying. There are a few pieces of Brighton Jewelry I am dying for. lol. Whatever, I was just looking....and emailing links to my husband. haha. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

So because this is me and I always have to have some type of bitch fest in my blogs let me tell you how annoyed I get with some customers....we give out a lot of coupons at my store, A LOT! And nothing (and I am stressing the NOTHING) annoys me more than when someone has a coupon for a free item and decides they don't want that free item so they want to pick out some other random piece and get that free. Oh and don't forget the eye rolls and attitude when I say no, cause God freaking forbid you don't get what you want! IT'S FREE! TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT! Oh or how about when a sign plain as days says something the customer doesn't read it and then throws a fit at you? Or no wait for this one, this is good. I had a customer come in and complain that we didn't have big enough gift sets, so I get her a bigger one, then the problem is that it's big but she doesn't like the basket oh and it doesn't cost enough, yup you got it, her daughter will check the price so it had to be at least $60. So after I basically make her a set of what she wants she has the nerve to freaking tell me that for that amount of money she should get more stuff, can't I throw in the little teddy bear with the mini lotion and gel (that costs $12.50!)I laughed (pretend) and told her I couldn't so then when I rung her up I asked if she wanted to get the bear and she says "not if I have to buy it"! OMG the freaking nerve of some people, and it's just starting! I can only laugh right now, I am trying to keep my humor here, haha.

So what else? Oh yeah, pretty soon I will have another blog up with my jewelry. Yup, remember when I was telling you all about the jewelry party I was having? All sterling silver and swavorski crystals? Well I ended up loving the stuff so much I was going broke. But then I really looked into it and realized I could make the stuff myself. It's not really hard, it just takes time and imagination to think up new designs. So that's what I'm doing. I have a lot of fun new pieces I will be showing you all but the best part? You can totally create your own stuff. Pick out the color, size, shape, charms...etc. I can create it, you can or we can do it together. As soon as I get it all together I'll put the link for it up here.

Well that's it for me. What's new with all of you?????

~ Nicole