Yesterday, well I guess two days ago since it's after midnight now, marked a month that my sister has been gone. A month without seeing her smile, waking her up to hang with me, a month without silly text messages and secrets shared. A long month in which my heart hurts just as much and maybe more.
I don't know if the saying time heals all things is true but if so it's gonna take a whole lot more time. Yet life seems to go on. After two weeks I returned to work and while I can do my job I feel guilty doing it. I mean I'm a manager at Bath and Body Works, how can I coach people daily on selling lotions and adding on bath sponges while my heart is bleeding and my sister isn't here?
How can I allow my life to be so busy with...life, that I haven't had a chance to go to her grave? And only twice have I gone to her memorial? It eats me up inside. I just want so much more time. I work my 40 hours then I want to make sure I don't neglect my husband and kids but after that how do I have time for just me to be with Hannah? I need time for me and her. I need to sit at her grave and miss her and tell her that. I need to be alone to cry and grieve. But I just don't have it.
I miss her so much. I want to hear her laugh again....my brother woke the other night from having a dream of Hannah. I wish I could, I wish I could dream of her so then I could talk to her, I could hug her and hear her and touch her. Even if only in a dream I could have her with me. 
I love you Hannah, every day of my life every breath that I take I love you! I will never forget you. Please come visit me soon, come hug me in my dreams come talk and laugh with me just one more time.
~ Nicole
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
10 years ago
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4 Comments:
((((((Nicole)))))
I don't even know the words to say to make you feel better because let's face it, there are none but damn, I'm so damned sorry that you have to go through this. I remember when you used to talk about her and I knew how close you guys were, it doesn't seem fair that this happened to you and I can't imagine how lost you must feel without her.
I'm not going to say that it gets better because it doesn't, not really anyway but you get better at coping, atleast that's what my friend Lane says but if you wanna talk sweetie, vent, rant, whatever, hit me up, I'll listen.
I'm trying to think of a way to say this without sounding like a cold hearted bitch and I can't. Hannah knew how much you guys loved her and I don't think she'd want you to feel guilty for having a life to lead....she surely wouldn't want you to curl up in a ball and never face the world again. I can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through but you guys are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Can I just say... I love looking at the pictures that you post of Hannah. She looks so fun and full of life. Adn I can see how much you guys loved being together. And I don't say that to bring up feelings of anger or frustration or sadness. Just hoping that someday looking at these pics will let you remember that and bring back good feelings.
I'm so glad that you have this outlet and hope that in some small way that it's helping.
Lori,
My blog is becomeing a saving grace. I can come here and write whatever I want and not have to worry about upsetting my mom or being politically correct. And I have your girls that even though I've been MIA forever come and support me. I love you girls I really do. And I am so greatfull that Hannah loved pictures. I have tons of them and love sharing them. They do bring me joy, there is still the pain but I do smile when I see them. I love her so much.
Sheila,
I know Hannah knew I loved her, that is one thing I don't have any regrets about. We were so close and honest with eachother. There really weren't any secrets. But even if she understands my life, I don't want her to be a less part of it. She was and is a very important part of my life and I still want it that way. I just wish I had the time to give her that I want to.
Wena,
Thanks for all your thoughts. Love you. And your right it isn't fair. But it happened and now I have to deal with it. Thank you for being here to help.
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