It's to late to apologize

The other night I got home from work pretty late but by time I got in bed I was still to wound from the day to sleep so I turned the TV on and watched one of my recorded shows, Army Wives.

I don't know if anyone watched it last year or this year but last season there was a suicide bomber and he ended up killing the daughter of one of the women on the show. Well in the episode I watched the other night the sister of the suicide bomber went to the family of the girl to ask forgiveness.

While I was watching this show I was struck by something that never occurred to me before. Not once in the month or so since my sisters death has the man that killed her or any of his friends or family reached out to mine to say sorry. Do I think his family or friends should be held accountable? No but do I think in this type of situation they should offer up some type of condolence? Most definitely.

This man or should I say coward got behind the wheel of his car drunk off his ass, speed hit my sister, killed her and then fled the scene of the accident and after all of that he has said nothing! And you look on his myspace page and you see all these people telling him how much they love him, are there for him and support him, yet not one of them has reached out to my family. None of them have encouraged him to own up to what he's done. NOTHING.

I actually read a blog one of his friends posted on her myspace page and she had the nerve to talk about how horrible he must feel and what he's going through. If he felt so horrible why hasn't he said anything? And then she had the nerve to say that he should remember that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. WTF?! Is she saying that that asshole was preordained to hit and kill Hannah? OMG that girl better pray I never see her on the street cause it just might be preordained for me to kick her ass.

After what he did I don't know why it would shock me that he wouldn't apologize and even if he did? Well lets just say it's to late for that now anyway.

~ Nicole

One Month Two Days

Yesterday, well I guess two days ago since it's after midnight now, marked a month that my sister has been gone. A month without seeing her smile, waking her up to hang with me, a month without silly text messages and secrets shared. A long month in which my heart hurts just as much and maybe more.

I don't know if the saying time heals all things is true but if so it's gonna take a whole lot more time. Yet life seems to go on. After two weeks I returned to work and while I can do my job I feel guilty doing it. I mean I'm a manager at Bath and Body Works, how can I coach people daily on selling lotions and adding on bath sponges while my heart is bleeding and my sister isn't here?



How can I allow my life to be so busy with...life, that I haven't had a chance to go to her grave? And only twice have I gone to her memorial? It eats me up inside. I just want so much more time. I work my 40 hours then I want to make sure I don't neglect my husband and kids but after that how do I have time for just me to be with Hannah? I need time for me and her. I need to sit at her grave and miss her and tell her that. I need to be alone to cry and grieve. But I just don't have it.

I miss her so much. I want to hear her laugh again....my brother woke the other night from having a dream of Hannah. I wish I could, I wish I could dream of her so then I could talk to her, I could hug her and hear her and touch her. Even if only in a dream I could have her with me.



I love you Hannah, every day of my life every breath that I take I love you! I will never forget you. Please come visit me soon, come hug me in my dreams come talk and laugh with me just one more time.

~ Nicole

Help

I really need my blog now to let loose on how I am feeling....problem? It's been so long I forget how to mess with my template. I tried to change it but as you can see it's all messed up. I know you can't even post me a comment now. So if anyone can help me and tell me what the heck to do email me at nikki.emmett@gmail.com thanks so much!


~ Nicole

Anger

I'm a Christian and I seem to be finding that they are the ones at this time of my life that are offending the most. Just because we believe in Heaven and that it is this great place...so much better than earth does NOT mean I am happy my sister is there instead of here. She is 20 she shouldn't be there yet.

Don't tell me that God loved Hannah so much he decided to make her an angle cause he wanted her. REALLY? You really think that? So many people both young and old die all the time and your telling me that God decided he just had to have Hannah! He just decided that it didn't matter that she was my parents baby, that she had two nieces and a nephew, that she didn't get to live her life yet. He just needed her that much? REALLY? I just don't think so...

And I don't draw comfort from it either.



Two most horrible things to say to me right now....

1) She's in a better place
2) How are you?

Seriously...how am I? If you thought about that for two seconds before it left your mouth you would know I am horrible...So why are you asking? Especially the people that don't really even know me...or Hannah. I hate that. So many people are coming up to me and acting like they care so much. And I just feel so angry right now. At them, at everything!

None of this is fair and I know life's not fair but this really is beyond what I think I can bear. I don't know how to live happily....

Sorry I know this is all a ramble but this is my only vent.



~ Nicole

~ Nicole

I Can't Say Good-Bye

I'm a big sister...the way life goes you parents go first then it should kind of go down in age. So there is no reason that makes any type of sense that my baby sister that just turned 20 is not here any more.

I just don't get it. I don't doubt there's a God, I know there is but this 'everything has a reason'? I don't know about that, tell me the reason my sister got run over by a drunk driver while walking to her car? WHY, Fucking tell me WHY? Where's the reason? Where's the grand plan in that?

She was so beautiful! So full of life. She loved everyone and everyone loved her. She was so funny, she made you crack up all the time. She had the most beautiful eyes and the longest lashes. We used to have the same red color hair but as I got older and had kids mine changed and got darker, more brown. I would always say it's not fair and I wanted her hair, so long, wavy and beautiful. But now....THIS is what's not fair.

I know she's in heaven and that's a better place and she's fine now but the fact is she shouldn't be there yet! She was only 20! She had a life she wanted to live, she was my baby sister, my parents are dying over this, she had two nieces and a nephew. She didn't' even have a chance to get married and have her own babies yet!

OMG I hate this! This fucking sucks! I hate the asshole that did this! He speeds, while drunk hits my sister, my Hannah, and then FLEES! He left! Thank God for the security guard that was there and followed him till the cops got there. I want this man to know what he did. I want him to see my sisters picture to know what he took away, then I want him to sit in a jail cell and think of that every day of his life.

I don't know how my family will ever get past this! How do you? OMG I'm dying inside! Look at her! Look how beautiful and special she was!



She just went to Florida for my cousins Sweet 16 and had so much fun. Then she was in Myrtle Beach with one of her best friends during bike week being crazy. She rode on the back of bikes, went skinny dipping in the ocean. She was young and having the time of her life. In august she was going to go on her first cruise with a bunch of friends. Now she's gone. Now I'll never be able to call her and talk about my stupid issues, now I'll never be able to guilt her into being my last minute baby sitter. We can't get out eyebrows done together and go shopping at Forever 21 together, one of her favorite stores.

We were just there on Wenesday. I woke her up around 12, she always sleeps late cause she works at night in a hotel. She got ready the whole time me rushing her and her telling me to leave if I was annoyed. The whole time neither of us really cared cause we never fought. We went to McDonald's for Ice Coffees and they were so watered down, she also got a honeymustard, grilled chicken snack wrap. Then we went to the mall, we went to Bath and Body works and she got Fresh Pineapple shampoo and conditioner. Then we got good coffees from Starbucks, her iced me hot. Then we stopped at CR and Forever 21. She found a purse she loved and treated herself. I got crazy big red sunglasses that she liked. Then I dropped her off at home. She came back later to babysit my kids while Josh and I went to a meeting and when we got back she was waiting outside to leave cause we were late and she was meeting friends to go to a movie. But she came back that night and burned two CDs for me. We hung out till around midnight......and the last time I saw her was when she said "Oh snap" and ran to her car cause it had started to rain and she left her windows down.

I know she knows I love her but I didn't' tell her that last time. I didn't' hug her that last time!



How do I live my life without her? How do I go on? It's just not the same, it never will be.

My other sister is distraught. She was there! She didn't' see it, but they were both out together. They were with friends celebrating a birthday. Hannah left early to meet some other friends, she wasn't really drinking or anything cause she had to go to work at 6 am. She was so happy. She had her new yellow high strappy sandals on, her shorts and her new purse she got while out with me. She didn't even tell Sarah she was leaving so she didn't' get to say bye.

How do I stop picturing it? How do I get the image of my sister dressed all cute so happy running to her car then a truck smashing into her.....did she see it? Was she scared? Was it instant like the medics say it probably was or was she laying there in the street in pain all alone till the medics got there? OMG my baby!

All I can see is that all I can hear is my mom when I walked into the house wailing and saying "Hannah's gone, OMG Hannah's gone!".

Miss me yet!

Just admit you do cause I know it's true. lol. So what have all of you been up to? I have been soooooo busy! I don't remember if I told you all that my husband was going to India on business for THREE WEEKS! But he did, he will be home on Sunday. So as I'm sure you can all figure out I've been super busy with doing all the parenting, working, school stuff and everything else on my own. I just can't handle any more of this! Thank God he comes home on Sunday. They almost wanted to have him stay another few weeks, and with me in retail and the holidays basically here in my store I was about to have a heart attack. lol.

Speaking of which am I the only person who thinks it a bit crazy that people are Christmas shopping already! I mean I work at Bath & Body Works and we have our Christmas displays up and music playing. It's freaking crazy! lol. I have people coming in with Christmas lists and checking things off already. Hot damn, I haven't even started to think about what I want yet....okay okay so I'm lying. There are a few pieces of Brighton Jewelry I am dying for. lol. Whatever, I was just looking....and emailing links to my husband. haha. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

So because this is me and I always have to have some type of bitch fest in my blogs let me tell you how annoyed I get with some customers....we give out a lot of coupons at my store, A LOT! And nothing (and I am stressing the NOTHING) annoys me more than when someone has a coupon for a free item and decides they don't want that free item so they want to pick out some other random piece and get that free. Oh and don't forget the eye rolls and attitude when I say no, cause God freaking forbid you don't get what you want! IT'S FREE! TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT! Oh or how about when a sign plain as days says something the customer doesn't read it and then throws a fit at you? Or no wait for this one, this is good. I had a customer come in and complain that we didn't have big enough gift sets, so I get her a bigger one, then the problem is that it's big but she doesn't like the basket oh and it doesn't cost enough, yup you got it, her daughter will check the price so it had to be at least $60. So after I basically make her a set of what she wants she has the nerve to freaking tell me that for that amount of money she should get more stuff, can't I throw in the little teddy bear with the mini lotion and gel (that costs $12.50!)I laughed (pretend) and told her I couldn't so then when I rung her up I asked if she wanted to get the bear and she says "not if I have to buy it"! OMG the freaking nerve of some people, and it's just starting! I can only laugh right now, I am trying to keep my humor here, haha.

So what else? Oh yeah, pretty soon I will have another blog up with my jewelry. Yup, remember when I was telling you all about the jewelry party I was having? All sterling silver and swavorski crystals? Well I ended up loving the stuff so much I was going broke. But then I really looked into it and realized I could make the stuff myself. It's not really hard, it just takes time and imagination to think up new designs. So that's what I'm doing. I have a lot of fun new pieces I will be showing you all but the best part? You can totally create your own stuff. Pick out the color, size, shape, charms...etc. I can create it, you can or we can do it together. As soon as I get it all together I'll put the link for it up here.

Well that's it for me. What's new with all of you?????

~ Nicole

My first 12 hour shift...and other tid bits

Well yesterday I worked from 3pm to 3am. LOL, no they are not killing me I am still happy with my new job. Two times a year they change all the walls in the store, everything gets gutted cleaned and rearranged, and that was last night. That always takes that long but like I say twice a year so not bad. I still have one more week of training then I am in my store and I am excited. I worked the wall change in my store so I meet a lot of my staff then, they seem like a cool upbeat bunch so I'm all positives right now.

Well except for the fact that every time I go I GET LOST! LOL, I swear it has got to be the easiest mall to get to but I am just the WORST at directions and every time I make just that one wrong turn. But I WILL GET IT! lol.

Other news? I got a puppy! DON'T YELL AT ME! This one is already house trained and well behaved and it's small. I will love it forever I SWEAR! lol. (hiding from Holly here) But I have a problem, my sister had named the dog Co-Co which I like a lot but my neighbors dog has that name and since my dog only had the name for a few short months we want to give her a different name so there is no confusion. We are a really close neighborhood and the dogs hang out, as strange as that sounds. So it would be confusing. So I need you all to give me dog name ideas. Here's some pictures to help you out....




OH and a few weeks ago my cousin has her Sweet 16, but she did it really big (she's puerto rican so they do this big thing) and I got to look all hot for the night. It was fun, my cousin wore a beautiful red dress and everyone that came had to wear black or white. So here are me and my sisters looking hot! And yes I know my tata's were out for the night, but it was so false advertisement cause they don't really look as hot as that. lol. But it was nice to pretend, but as you can tell by the end of the night (last picture) they were on their way down, hahaha...





~ Nicole

I'm done with promises

Yup you heard me. I'm done. No more promises. I keep telling you all I'm back and I'm gonna try to be faithful, but it never happens. Lets all just face the facts...I moved started working full time, enrolled my kids in a crap load of things and have NO ME TIME! lol. So with all that being said the only think I'm gonna tell you is that I am keeping my blog and when I have time I will update it. I hope to keep some of my readers...and when I am on I will try to see what all of you are up to on your blogs.

So on with this post....I got a new job. YES AGAIN! lol. As you all know before I went from one jewelery store to another, I just made the move because of money (to the different company)and a management position. What you all don't know is after being there for only about 1 1/2 months the store manager was needed to fill in in another location and they made me acting manager of my location. It was only supposed to be for one month...that was two months ago.

My best friend works for Bath & Body Works and in all honesty I never thought they would pay what I wanted but she urged me to apply since they were hiring and I was worked to death enough at my job to be curious enough to give it a shot. I was working 60 hr work weeks.

I actually went through 4 interviews (I asked for a lot more than what I was making) and got offered the job for MORE than what I asked for! I have to travel a little bit. Right now I am 10 min. from my house... the mall I'll be going to is 25-30 min. from my house. But it's an easy ride and I don't mind it much. I am really excited, I'll be going over as a co-manager...basically the same as I am now they just say co instead of assistant.

So wish me all a ton of luck, my last day at the jewelry store is tomorrow and I start the new job on Sunday. Woo Hooo.

~ Nicole

Crazy Bitch Went Psycho

Okay so remember the post or two I put up when I first started my new job? About that older woman that was messing with that younger guy? Well she has always seemed a little off her rocker to me. Like I would look at her sometimes and just wonder if she was really as stupid as she seemed cause I just can't fathom somebody that dumb!

Well she really is....here's the latest....she signed a $25,000 loan over to that 24 yo guy! No co-sign, NO just her name on a loan for that amount and to be given in full to him. And surprise surprise now he is saying she is to old for him and they should just be friends. lol. Well needless to say she's been a little extra nutso lately and I can't normally take much of her to begin with. So all of that was a recipe for disaster when me and her were scheduled to work together today.

It started off pretty normal. She being extra late going on and on about hating that 24 yo. Blah blah blah. Then the computers don't start up and I am on the phones two times with tech support which the girl didn't even speak English much so we all know that put me in a mood. So when a customer came in saying they were called about their repair being in and neither of us could find it things got tense.

We were both looking, I thought she was just not looking hard enough but I couldn't find it either. So I am asking her to do certain things and getting a little annoyed because she gets over frustrated and always over talks to the customers about things that they shouldn't know. Well she's doing this and I am trying to figure out what happened when I finally tell the customer I will call him and got him out of the store.

By now she is all mad at me saying I was treating her badly when the customer was there. She is giving me major attitude and I had it. So I told her she needed to calm down and she flips. She tells me that I am a Bitch and that I treat everyone like shit and take everything out on everyone else. Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.

So she is yelling across the store all this saying I'm a bitch on wheels etc. etc. After she called me a bitch I told her she crossed a line, that I am her boss and who does she think she is talking to? Well she says that I won't be her boss for long (because I had told her that morning I was giving my notice...that's another story) and she continued to flip. So I told her she needed to go home. That I was calling our DM and telling him why I sent her home and she needed to leave the store.

O.M.G. that was it she went ballistic screaming that she was going to call him and tell him how I was treating her and that I am a horrible person. So I tell her to leave again and pick up the phone to call my DM.

As the phone is ringing she gets in my face pointing saying that I'm horrible and a bitch, so I tell her to walk away from me and she says "Why? You wanna hit me? Go on hit me!" over and over again! And OMG how I did want to hit her. But I didn't I simply put my hand in front of my face, cause I really thought she was going to hit me, and told her to get out of my face. THE BITCH TOOK MY HAND AND THREW IT TO THE SIDE! Then she tried to pull the phone out of my hand. That's when my DM answered. And I was freaking shaking with anger.

I honestly think that if my DM didn't answer when he did she would have hit me. And it's not that I thought she was going to beat me up or anything, lol. It was more that I couldn't do anything since I was at work and her boss without getting in trouble and I was fast losing my cool.

So when he answered I went to start telling him what was happening and she ran over to the other phone picked it up and started to yell and go nuts telling him that I was being abusive to her and asking her questions all the time (like that's not my job or something) and saying that I was taking my bad mood out on her and on and on. Finally he told her to calm down and put me on. Well I listened to the entire thing so I was there and calmly told him what happened. She had walked out of the store at this time.

Do you know what he told me to do?????!!!!! TAKE A BREATH AND TRY AND TALK TO HER! THAT I FREAKING NEED TO CONSOLE HER IF SHE IS HAVING ISSUES!!!!!!!!! You know what I did? Took that freaking breath and told him that I am leaving and this is my two week notice. He told me we'd talk about it. I'm all whatever but I'm leaving.

Okay skipping along a little here...she doesn't leave the store so I called security on her and they called the cops and she was escorted out of the store with her purse and all and told she wasn't allowed back today. OMG if looks could kill I'd be dead! lol.

I so wish she would have been waiting outside so I could have kicked her fat old ass when I wasn't on the clock! OMG I hate walking away, lol. Aren't I such a great person. haha.

So anyway...that was my fun and exciting day! But enough about me...how are all of you doing? lol. I really miss blogging, hopefully I'll be fitting it in more....we'll see. I'll post again really soon with everything about my new job....again! lol. But it's really good news. BYE....

~ Nicole